...boy or girl

We had our 20 week scan last Friday. I was hoping for a girl my husband was hoping for a boy. When we got to the scan baby was really low down sitting on my bladder. She spent 10 mins scanning and viewing what she could but she didn't have a clear enough view. So she said if we went outside walked around and drank more water baby would probably move up. 1 and 1/2 litres and fuller bladder later she was scanning away but baby was being shy and covering their face which she needed to see. She showed us baby's heart ventricles the spine and even baby's full bladder too ! Finally baby moved their hand we got to see their face. We then asked what gender. After she told us I said are you sure she then showed us the screen. No doubt about it .....

Pregnancy ... sickness and discouragement

Ok I'm gonna say it pregnancy has been hard on me. I want what I was promised on the tin! The wonderful glow, the super long mermaid hair that grows like weeds the extra energy boost from hormones and a cute round bump with matching Mother Nature smile on my face. Ive struggled with the aches and pains (nobody said anything about still getting cramps although apparently that's your uterus growing or expanding, plus  my joints especially my pelvic bones aching when walking) the nausea constantly from week 5 till week 17/18 (oh man I've felt like I'm always on a boat I ended buying anti sickness bands to take the edge off) the mood swings (my poor husband probably thinks I'm a crazy person now, one minute I'm crying the next I want to kill someone seriously) migraines and body changes (things ballooning and all sorts). I feel like I have lost control of everything between the constant need to use the bathroom, the bloating and gas I'm a mess! My body isn't my own I actually feel like an oven or something. Mornings have been unbearable I practically beg my husband to kill me.

I expected the vomiting/morning sickness but I guess I didn't think it would happen to me cause I'm quite resilient when it comes to getting ill and stuff. I cant eat like I used to and now I'm lactose intolerant well baby probably is. If I eat any dairy within 3 hours I violently throw it up also I didn't expect the fatigue man oh man I sleep in till 2pm and its still not enough. I never realised growing another human being took so much effort on my part. Every body says oh I loved every minute of pregnancy the bump and the way clothes fitted me eating what I wanted. I've hated every minute I've wanted to rewind time and what? I don't know I still would have decided to have a baby but its just these irrational thoughts and bargaining with your self. I hate the way I look my belly can't be sucked in anymore I feel so fat and I'm only gonna get bigger! I hate it when people look at my belly yes I'm fat and pregnant. I use Palmers body butter obsessively but I get a new stretchmark everyday there goes my chances of ever becoming a swimwear/lingerie model.

I know my husbands gonna be great dad but one thing that has plagued me through out this whole process is the M word. Mother I can't say it about myself still. I'm not the maternal type and sure don't suffer fools gladly! So what am I gonna offer this baby. I'm probably gonna have the highest heels and well kept hair but I'm not going to be winning any mum of the year awards. I'm still a kid I have raves in the car to chavvy music. I jump on the bed I laugh at silly things. Feelings of inadequacy can be all consuming sometimes I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and hopefully by the time the baby is here I can cook bake sew and all those wonderful things a mother is supposed to do.